I wish

Sometimes I wish I can agree when people say that I might be asexual. I feel like it will be a tad bit, just a little tiny bit easier to answer when they ask why I never had a boyfriend. But that would be dishonesty because I have sexual desires, I just don’t feel as strongly compelled to act on it because my social anxiety – my fear of judgment – is stronger.

I don’t even have to explain myself, and I know that. But society is having a hard time wrapping it’s head around the fact that a woman can live up to 30 years without getting into a romantic relationship. It’s a deviation from the norm, and the norm doesn’t like it when you deviate from them.

So when you say no, I’ve never been in a relationship, they’ll look at you like you’ve grown two heads, and they ask why, why, why. As if it’s a bad thing. As if it’s a crime. And you’re being interrogated, in a dim room only illuminated by the light swinging above your head, the policemen (detectives?) on their feet, their bodies leaning toward you, their eyes about bulge out, just inches away from your face. They’re unmoving but you feel as if your arm is being twisted, and you try to rack your head to come up with answers just for them to stop.

Sometimes I wish I could lie. Sometimes I wish I could say I didn’t have a boyfriend in high school because my parents were strict, but in college I met someone at a house party, he’s a nerd but he’s cute, on weekends we stay in our pajamas all day at his place, eating pancit canton while watching torrented movies.

Sometimes I also wish I just shut up. Subtly walk away when a group has moved from talking about income tax returns to traveling with their significant others. Try to change the topic and bring up memories of our trips to Tagaytay when a relative asks when I’ll get married. Say “I no longer want to talk and would like to stay quiet” when a cab driver pries too much into details of my life.

But it seems like if there is one thing I feel strongly compelled to do, it is to tell the truth when I am being asked.

So yeah. I will still say no when they ask if I have a boyfriend, still say “I’ve never been in a relationship.” Frankly, I am tired. Not only because I cannot come up with answers enough to make them feel satisfied, but because I have to answer.

I wish they would stop asking.

Women and books

A few months ago I was lucky to read stories back to back about women and their love for books, and how it influenced their lives and destinies.

One day I decided to look through the nominees of Goodreads’ Best Fiction Books of 2019, and pick my next reads from there. I first got the Bookish Life Of Nina Hill which is about, well, the bookish life of Nina Hill.

Nina lives a bookworm’s dream life of working in an independent bookstore on weekdays, competing in inter-pub trivia games with her friends on weekends, then going home to her cute cat at her own apartment which has a floor-to-ceiling shelf of books. She has nothing else to ask for, really, until her aspirational monotony gets shaken up by a shocking revelation about her family, threat of losing her job and a potential love interest.

The other book I read, A Woman is No Man, is told from the point of view of three Palestinian women and their struggles of being born in a culture where women are seen and treated as less, while also living in a foreign land they had no choice but to call as home. The mother is inspired by books, the daughter is empowered by books, and the grandmother is scared of books.

It’s wonderful that not only did books serve as a source of comfort when the characters were going through tough times, it also helped the women to use the knowledge (and experience, may I dare say) gained from reading to reach their goals and dreams.

In the past months I also got to read stories where women’s bodies were obsessively used as objects of sexual desire, much to my disappointment. It’s good to see that there are women writers like Abbi Waxman (The Bookish Life Of Nina Hill) and Etaf Rum (A Woman is No Man) who can provide more in-depth perspective about women and their own stories to tell.

It is my wish to be able to read more about women and about books, and if both are in one good story, it can create a perfect combination of experience and insights girls and women can always look back to.

Bookworming in the new age

After years of being in a reading rut, it’s interesting to see that there are now more ways for people to enjoy books and reading. Some will say that technology negatively affected people’s interest into reading, but I would argue that it also provided opportunities for readers to learn more about books, authors, and fellow readers.

Here are some of my favorite book-reading-related stuff I recently discovered:

1) Booktube

This will embarrassingly reveal how late I am in the game, but I just recently found out about the community of book lovers on YouTube and it’s THRIVING.

Booktube is a community of channels where Booktubers talk about, well, books mostly. It can be compared to an online book club where readers can learn more about book genres, literary tropes, and my favorite, other readers’ reading habits.

Like travel, fitness, and fashion vloggers, the Booktube community has continuously gained popularity that YouTube set up an official Booktube series channel, where famous booktubers meet best-selling authors and discuss their new release. Margaret Atwood, Malcolm Gladwell, and Michelle Obama are just some of the authors featured in the series.

Even if Booktube had been tinged with issues from its own share of “drama,” it still makes me happy that in a platform that uses videos for creative expression, bookworms also found their place.

2) Virtual library access

A favorite tip I always see shared among readers is taking advantage of your local public library to borrow books. If you prefer an ebook, you can download apps like Overdrive and Libby where you can access the libraries’ ebook collection, with just signing up using your library card info.

As someone who lives in a country with very few public libraries, I can only dream. I’m not even sure how to secure a library card, and I doubt it’ll be easy, as with most government transactions here.

Filipinos have learned to be resourceful with the limited opportunities we’re provided with and, not disappointingly, some kababayans have made a business out of sharing their file of ebooks, or a virtual library accesses.

For a one-time fee, you will be given a link to their Google Drive, where hundreds of books are stored. They also assure that they continuously update the libraries gets continuously, and if you follow their social media accounts you may get an idea about the new books they upload.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that the virtual libraries are dominated by the more popular books (the access I bought has a wide selection of self-help. Impressive. Looks like more and more Filipinos wanted to have or improve their financial management skills.) but it’s still a good source of some good titles. It also prevents people from looking for copies through illegal means.

Reading may have changed from how it was done eras ago, but a bookworms love stays the same, and adapts to the new ways it could be enjoy, embrace a story.

How the Kindle is changing my life (or actually, my reading habits)

Buying Ela’s Kindle Paperwhite has got to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

And as someone who’s super indecisive, this is a big and real deal.

I used to be able to read whatever, whenever, wherever. Books, magazines, newspapers, nutrition facts on cereal boxes, user manuals of TV remote, public service announcements on tarpaulins. I would always write ‘reading’ when I’m asked what my hobby was. However, as I got older, I found myself reading less and less.

And since I’ve started working 9-5 (I also worked 11-8, and currently, 6-3), I have almost totally stopped reading. “Read more books” became a new year’s resolution almost every year, but like all new year’s resolutions, I didn’t do it. My attention span has drastically decreased; I couldn’t even finish reading a paragraph without drifting off or zoning out. I would be lucky to get through a few pages of a book, but then after a while I would catch myself reaching for my phone, getting lost in that tiny screen again. Endless feed/timeline scrolling is cocaine, that momentary dopamine release I couldn’t stop chasing.

Late of 2019 I mentioned to some friends a couple of times in passing that maybe a Kindle would help me get out of the slump. I didn’t really have a solid plan of buying though because: money. But then I made a “mistake” of telling Ela. Mistake because to her, nothing is wishful thinking. What you want, you get, and you get it RIGHT NOW. Next thing I know, I got a text from Kuya Grab Delivery, waiting by the gate of my boarding house, ready to hand over Ela’s old but still reliable Kindle Paperwhite. 🤣

The Kindle was still fresh in my hands when, in a somehow timely coincidence, the world went into quarantine. Stuck at home, the time I used to spend/waste on agonizing commute, I used for catching up on Murakami and some classics (Little Women, Hitchhiker’s Guide, (insert heart eyes)). There were even times when I’ll get tired of staring at my phone (a fuckin’ miracle) and I will pick up my Kindle and read. I felt the books, the stories, the words, welcoming me back into their arms like a prodigal son coming home.

Slowly, I am getting myself out of the slump I was in for years, and now, I can confidently say that my hobby is really, truly, reading.

I even took on a Goodreads’ Reading Challenge to push myself a bit further. Thinking that one book per month is the most achievable goal, I challenged myself to read 10 books starting March until December.

And as of July, I’m already done.

Many bookworms will say that nothing will ever beat reading a physical book, and that is true. The feel of the printed pages between your fingertips, the smell of freshly-printed press… Leafing through a tangible book will always be superior. But I would argue with those who will look down on ebooks, especially since it has helped me so much.

For one, Kindle Paperwhite’s screen doesn’t have the painful glare mobile phones or tablets give off. It comes with a special type of lighting that is very easy on the eyes. No strain whether you’re reading by the window on a bright, sunny day, or under your covers before you sleep at night.

The Amazon ebook reader weighs like a small notebook but it can store thousands of books. As someone who always carries a heavy backpack (due to reasons), not having additional load of a thick book is a relief.

Buying ebooks for Kindle on Amazon maybe seem just as expensive as buying physical books, but Amazon always offers ebooks of classics for free. There are also a lot of FB fan pages offering virtual library access for a small, one-time fee (I’ll talk more about this and the other things I’ve discovered about ebook reading on my next post!).

To be perfectly honest a part of me is still worried that I will not be able to carry through with this habit for long. There will be days when I’ll go back to the slump, as with most creative hobbies. When that time comes, I hope I’ll be able to remind myself of my roots, and remember the little girl who skipped naps turning glossy pages of an encyclopedias, who came home late from overstaying in the library, who was always enchanted by the power of words, the power of a story, the power of a good book.

Quarantine: YouTube Favorites

This quarantine gave me more time for hobbies, “passion projects” and other things that are not related to work or commuting, which I have been wishing for quite a while. I am happy that I was able to exercise and stretch the limits of my short attention span enough to be able to get back to reading books and while I am excited to write about the re-awakening of my bookworm self from deep, years-long slumber, I will be talking about that in my next post (hehe). For now allow me to share the stuff that has kept me excited during these times of uncertainty: watching the Youtube channel gems I discovered.

1. High School Style Icon

I stumbled upon this reality show when I read a thread about YouTube channel suggestions, and on the first episode, I realized that this is exactly, perfectly what I have been looking for a long, long time.

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Most fashion reality TV programs are about designing (Project Runway) and modeling (ANTM), and though i’m still a fan of those, I sometimes can’t help but wish there is a show I can relate more to.

Back in high school I watched a reality competition titled Stylista, where the contestants take on fashion styling challenges, with a Junior Fashion News Editor stint at Elle Magazine as the main prize. I enjoyed it a lot and hoped for another season but sadly, there was none. Right after American reality TV boomed and series about the everyday lives of the stylists themselves (Rachel Zoe) were also made, but it did little to quench my thirst.

So I was really excited when I saw High School Style Icon. It is a Korean reality TV competition participated by high school students where they take on different fashion challenges, mainly styling. And though the winner will receive money to start their own brand, for most of the “missions” they are tasked to style themselves – either for an ad campaign, a music video, or to just test their skills by recreating the style of a webtoon character.

Broadcasted only on Youtube (my old ass is quite surprised too), this show more popularly called as Goganzi got me addicted. I feel tickled when I see that often their first place of choice when shopping for clothes are vintage or thrift stores. The high schoolers also never fail to blow me away with their talent and creativity, and with their overflowing ideas on how they would sew, embroider, customize the clothes to their liking.

The judges are top names in the Korean fashion and styling industry, and I really appreciate how constructive and straightforward they are in giving criticisms. The host being my ultimate k-pop bias (Heechul-Oppa!) is cherry on top of this decadent fashion styling icing.

2. Cari Cakes

Cari has been on the radar of travel Youtube for some time but it was only until a few days before Manila went on lockdown when I started getting hooked on her videos. While doing research for my supposed Korea trip, her vlogs came up under the suggested feed. From there I’ve watched videos with the most beautiful aesthetics, accompanied by jazz or lo-fi background music creating an ambient vibe and experience.

Her daily life looks like #goals tbh, as she goes to cafes to read books or draw on her little sketchbook, to museums to look at whoever artist is exhibiting, or to cute little stores to shop for stationery or plants. It makes me miss the times when we can go outside and do the same (and makes me envious that people in Korea can still do it!).

Aside from being instagrammable eye candy, her vlogs also inspired me to continue reading books and be in touch with my artsy side.

3. Shaira Luna

This one is fresh off the oven, though I also found this channel through the same Twitter thread I discovered Goganzi from, LOL. Shaira is one of the most sought-after photographers in the Philippines and it has only been a year or two since she started her own YouTube channel. Her most popular videos are her lookbooks from clothes she got from thrift stores.

Her style is retro which I have come to appreciate since becoming a fan of a retro-loving BTS member, and I am in awe of her thrift store shopping skills, especially finding the best quality item and taking care of the outfits to keep them in mint condition.

I have just started binge watching her channel but she also got me inspired to definitely check out secondhands before buying brand new, and I cannot wait until this lockdown is over.

When the phone rang at midnight, I knew

When the phone rang at midnight, I knew it was going to end.

Seconds before that,

Minutes before that

Hours before that,

Days before that.

Weeks before that, we were in a state of endless happiness

Months before that, you told me you love me too.

Years before that, I fell in love with you.

I should have trusted my instincts.

From the archives – 2015

Tama ka. Maganda siya. Maputi ang balat. yung pantay. Mahaba ang buhok, na tuwid, makintab, malambot, itim na itim. Mapungay ang mata, may pagka-chinita, pero nangungusap. May bakal ang ngipin nya para maiayos yung kakarampot na imperpeksyon, pero kahit na ganun, nakakagaan ng loob ang ngiti niya. At balingkinitan ang katawan. Yung tinatawag mo na “cute kahit chubby”, yung tinatawag mong “huggable.”

Tama ka. Pangit ako. Maputi nga ang balat ko, pero hindi pantay. Maitim ang siko, maitim ang tuhod, mas maputi ang mga hita’t binti kesa sa mukha’t braso. Mahaba nga ang buhok ko, pero hindi siya tuwid. Buhaghag na, naglalagas pa. Luwa ang mga mata ko, malaki pa eyebags sa ilalim nito. Yung ngipin ko… wala na akong masabi. Pangit sa pangit talaga. Puro sungki, naninilaw pa. At tingting ang katawan. Walang boobs, walang pwet. No one would want to hug a skeleton, pwera na lang if they are willing to risk getting hurt by pointed joints.

Isang linggo ko nang hindi tinitignan social networking profiles mo. Malaking achievement sa’kin ‘yun. Alam ko mandidiri ka pag sinabi kong araw-araw, walang palya kong chinicheck yung mga yun (minsan nga every 12 hours pa eh). Pathetic na kung pathetic, pero miss lang kasi kita.

Hindi biro ang magpigil ng isang linggo, kaya gumawa ako ng ibang paraan: tinignan ko profile ng mga kaibigan mo. Pero hindi ikaw yung nakita ko. Siya.

Siya na pantay ang balat. Siya na mahaba, tuwid at itim ang buhok. Siya na balingkinitan ang katawan. Siya na maganda. Siya na mahal mo.

Nasa bahay ako ng tita ko nung nakita ko yun, and I wasn’t able to stop myself from reacting violently. Literal na muntik nang tumulo ang luha ko. Buti na lang napigilan ko pa sarili ko. Ayokong umuwi sa bahay namin na maga ang mata kakaiyak dahil lang sa isang lalaki.

Naiinis nga ako kasi bakit ba ako nahu-hurt over you. Eh asshole ka naman. Nilandi mo ‘ko, pinaasa mo ‘ko, tapos di mo naman pala kayang panindigan. Alam mong gusto kita, nag-take advantage ka naman. Sinabihan mo akong pangit ako.

Ako na hindi pantay ang balat. Ako na buhaghag, naglalagas at pula ang buhok. Ako na tingting ang katawan. Ako na pangit. Ako na hindi mo mahal.

BTS

I would always disagree with people when they say that not all things can be bought my money, but sometimes, something happens that prove to me that it can be true. I am earning more than enough for my needs and because of that, and I was able to save to go to BTS’ concert, a dream two years in the making. Just a few days ago I got the elusive stroke of luck, and was able to get a ticket for their concert on April.

But then, a pandemic. Today, they announced the cancelation of the concert.

A part of me is consoling myself with that I deserve congratulations for at least having spare money, which is already a far cry from the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle I used to live just a year ago. But it was not enough to satisfy my need to see BTS perform in the flesh. I think nothing else will.

Please do not take this the wrong way, I am not complaining. Bighit did the right and the best thing to do. I just feel sad, and it’s valid for everyone who had the same dream and worked hard and sacrificed for it.

It also makes me think of the other voids within us that can only be filled by a specific dream coming true, and how we try to fill that void with other things just to try if it can help replace the feeling of emptiness, but then we also know realizing that it will never be enough…

I guess all of us carry holes inside our hearts, and we just try to go about our day and live our life and work with the cards we’ve been dealt with.

2019 Make-up haul c/o friends

Last year, friends and family were particularly generous in giving me makeup and other grooming-related stuff. Now I wasn’t really into makeup since I’m quite lazy and would rather spend my little bit of extra time retweeting funny tweets rather than perfecting my brows. But some friends still gave me some of their spare stuff, others just wanted to be giving so recently, I have been starting (still a work in progress – prepping for a 6am shift is not easy!) to do my makeup more often, and I’m having fun! I looooved the gifts and have enjoyed using it. Below are my favorites:

1) Laura Mercier Foundation Primer from my friend / former workmate, Ela

It’s cute how some people get excited and just jumpstarts into working on my face whenever I ask them to teach me how to put on makeup, and Ela did just that during our staycation in Subic lol. She then gave me her Laura Mercier primer which was a freebie from one of her purchases. It gives that glow to my skin that I’ve always wanted since my peg is the Korean dewy look, but I only use it sparingly because I don’t want it to run out. Laura Mercier is expensive!

2) Canmake Glow Fleur Cheeks blush from my friend / former orgmate, Mish

First, I have to confess: it was given to me last November, but I only got to try it on before December ended. Forgive me, but I was trying to steer clear from powder blush since I have dry skin and I believed those types of blushes will only look cakey on my face. However, I wasn’t prepared for what this blush had to offer. Canmake’s Glow Fleur Cheeks in Shade no. 3 also gave me the glow, with the shimmer that make light bounce off my cheek. It absorbed well on my face and appears to be long-lasting too! I would definitely use it more often now.

3) Heavy Rotations Coloring Eyebrows eyebrow mascara from Mish

MUAs were always challenged before with my eyebrows since it’s very sparse and I didn’t have it threaded. I now regularly go for eyebrow threading and this eyebrow mascara has helped in making my eyebrows look thicker. However, I kinda feel like I’m not using it correctly? And I still haven’t mastered defining my brows. Ugh. It’s tricky.

4) Canmake Perfect Stylist Eyes eyeshadow from Mish

This one’s even trickier since even the most passionate makeup enthusiasts I know struggle with putting on eyeshadow. But since it’s a gift from my lovely, thoughtful friend I still tinkered with this cute makeup. Again its shimmer is right up my alley, and my favorite shades are the brown one which I use as eyeliner and the topping jewel which, when put under your eyelids make the eyes look like precious jewels.

Upon using it for the first time I noticed my eyes appeared swollen. I wondered if that was the effect they were going for and turns out, it was! There is a makeup trend in Japan called Igari / “Hangover” make up! I like it, though! I think it makes me look cute.

The Canmake products and Heavy Rotations eyebrow mascara were gifts from Michelle when she went to Japan. She also included BTS albums which are of course, my favorites as well. 💜

5) VT Cosmetics BT21 lipsticks from Mish

When Mish came home from Thailand and we met each other again for the first time in years, one of her ARMY gifts for me are these lipsticks which are from a collaboration between Korean cosmetic line VT Cosmetics and messaging mobile app Line’s BT21. The lipsticks feel very good on the lips and are easy to apply. The catch however is that the shades are more compatible for the fair-skinned.

6) Shu Uemura eyelash curler from Mish

I’m thankful that Mish got me this as I was thinking of getting one. It does feel like it’s of high quality when used, and gives my lashes a very beautiful curl.

7) NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream and Colourpop Ultra Matte Lip from Rizell and Ela

This was given by Ela to Rizell but Rizell gave them to me and I’m like sure, I’ll take what I can get. Haha. (Ela didn’t mind anyway lol) The shades are blue and black which are very different from the image I portray in every day life. I still wouldn’t use those lipsticks when going out but hopefully I’ll get the courage to use the black one! It’s great when going for a vampy, sexy goth look. What I learned from wearing dark colored lipstick is it should be applied perfectly and retouch shall be done a lot of times since a slight smudge can be noticeable because of how different it is from the natural lip color.

8) Estee Lauder Concealer and Lip Shimmer from Rizell

Until now I can’t believe Rizell chose to gave me this. Although I have to admit I do not use the lip shimmer since I don’t like its effect but the concealer is A+! Pretty cool that the shade’s compatible on me too. I only use it on my dark eye “luggage” (because it’s definitely no longer just eyebags) and though I would want to use it on the veins of my cheeks that make me look like a granny, I’m also kind of you know, preventing it from running out. 😉

With these products it has somehow made me want to try more, but I’m trying to get a hold of myself and practice minimalism (more like saving money). Thanks to the bestest friends, I can live the Marie Kondo way for a longer time.

Netflix Weekends: Oldboy

I’ve seen the title “Oldboy” several times on Reddit, always being recommended, and constantly in the list of the greatest films of all time. I deliberately tried to steer away from even the smallest of spoilers, but I kept in mind one reddit comment that said that the original Korean version is more gruesome than the American remake. Which is not surprising because it almost always the case. The original is almost always way better than the remake as well.

So I went in blind, armed only with the expectations that there will be gore but it will at least meet my standards of a “good” film. However, Oldboy blew me out of the water.

Violence and gore being fetishized in some movies throws me off. Sometimes it seems like the filmmakers go wild and just add those even if unnecessary, that’s why I’m not it’s biggest fan, but the macabre on Oldboy is well-done. It is put where it is needed.

The cinematography makea me think of it as an art film. The color grading was out of the ordinary and was obviously chosen carefully to make sure that it fits each scene; its symbolism, rich. The fight scene shot in one long continuous take is iconic.

But the plot is definitely the highlight. Aptly mentioning the book the Count of Monte Cristo at one point, Oldboy started with a story of a man seeking revenge, and ends with the man learning that he IS the one on the receiving end of revenge. The film using a known taboo as its twist is interesting.

I agree that Oldboy is disturbing, fucked-up. Not everyone can stomach its story and how it was visualized. But watching it for the sake of art is satisfying, and will also make a movie buff agree that it deserved its spot on all of the best films lists.